The Abyss

You asked me to list 10 Things I LOVE to do. And then, again, you asked me to list 10 Things I Am Good At.

And there I stood. My toes at the edge, looking ever downward......past the trembling of my body, my mind numb unable to comprehend - only to be. Find a thought.........look for a sign......right? left? God, how could I know right from left when I didn't even know up from down?

And now you ask me to list 10 Things I Love?







In the Corporate world we are allowed 3 days bereavement. 3 days. Then its back to work. BACK TO WORK!!! That includes the last day, the planning of the funeral, the funeral, and then.......BACK TO WORK!

Mischief

"Amity and rectitude of conduct, rather than dissension and mischief, are the marks of true faith." ---Bahá'u'lláh

This is absolutely serious......I recently sent an email in response to one I have received. What I read in the email wasn't so much the actual message, though the words in the message were quite strong and well, actually downright rude, but the underlying intent mean spirited. I could have chosen to be indignant, but I found that I truly did want to find another way to respond so as to not inflame the sender. I replied to the email within the hour. I waited a bit and called the sender.........waited a bit more and called again..............and eventually sent a text. That was a day and a half ago and have not yet received a response.

What, you might ask, does this have to do with the quote I've posted? Well, I read it and reflected on what I did next. By the way.......the email was work related. The email, initially was not sent directly to me

JOURNEY

I wonder who I would have been. I mourn the loss of that potentiality. A conversation yesterday had me standing on the edge, a place that was not foreign to me, one that I would usually retreat from. It was that last threshold that keeps me from trusting implicitly, that I looked out from. A fear so deep seeded welled up inside me calling every fiber of my being to retreat. My life's experience told me that this next level of trust - the highest level of trust, held great power for the one to whom it is given. It has the power to do great things or to destroy or handicap.

What happens to a child when the very first person you learn to trust does not protect you? Cellular memory tells you to keep placing that trust because that is where your survival lies. Shouldn't we as mothers also have that cellular memory to "protect"? What does it look like if that cellular memory is missing generationally? It causes a rebuilding from the core. It is a journey that is fraught with pitfalls and incredible joy, highs and lows that give me pause.

Sacrifice

I suppose one could assume vain imaginings are huge in what I am about to write, but from where I sit, the reality is apparent in the passage of time and in reflection on the events that have shaped who I am and how I got to where I am now. One cannot honestly say they are grateful for the horrific paths that life takes, but I can say I understand the learning that causes patterns of living and thinking that evolve and make us a product of our own ability to process and thus survive.

Preparation

After a conversation yesterday with my friend, it was clear to me that I had prepared myself emotionally to be alone. In listening to the process of trying to make sense of suddenly (or not so suddenly) finding yourself without the one you have come to love and cherish, I found that my own process had been very similar. For five years, I had been told "not long" "not much longer". I didn't live my life in fear or denial, but in a conscious state of knowing. It wasn't that I was waiting for Wassim to go, but more than ever aware that each moment was precious and how important it was for me to live in the moment, and without regret. So with that, I was able to detach, slowly. To find an inner strength in order to do more than go through the motions involved in decision making, emotionally helping others during my own challenging time. A funny turn of events!

But finding that place of detachment had nothing to do with loving any less, much to the contrary, and more to do with the finding of space for both of us. Both in the going and the staying. There is a sweetness in that.

(NEUrOPEPTIDE Y)

I was party to a conversation last year and received some pretty good advice. "Life usually happens either in "white water" or in "calm water". Our natural human tendency is to long for the calm waters where life is easy and predictable. Unfortunately, in the REAL natural scheme of things, our lives are lived in "whitewater"......tests and difficulties. That is how we stretch our potentiality and grow stronger in character and certitude.

Sometimes I can't help but think that I've stretched and grown enough in the past (almost) 4 years and the I am definitely ready for some calm water. And, by the way, if this isn't reality, I want to know who the humorist is that is writing my life's script. AND I am thinking of demanding a happy ending! I'm just saying.......... :-)

Re-evolving!

I feel like a crystallise. In December I journeyed to Mount Carmel intending to leave my baggage there. As I walked into the Shrine of the Bab I felt that I was drawn from the inside of me. I was a lone for a short while, hardly aware of the silence that enveloped me. Before I could place my head on the Holy Threshold, I was racked with sobs. Uncontrollable.....until I got ahold of myself!! (Shoulda gone with it)

I could only stay a short while. My mind totally blank. I read the prayer of Visitation on the Wall. I tried reading from my prayer book.